Psychosis and surviving Halloween/Samhain.

There is no avoiding the fact that Halloween comes around every year, and with that comes scary monsters and creepy decor.

This holiday is meant to be fun and to be spent with family and friends; some people really go all out in their decorationand costumes. They really get a ‘scream’ out of being able to scare young trick-or-treaters, throw ‘frightfully’ fun parties, and just overall fun. But that isn’t always that case for everybody, for people like myself and many others.

Though I do enjoy the holiday and having some good fun, I still have a hard time with my hallucinations and voices. Psychosis and Halloween don’t always mixwell together, which can leave some in quite a state of panic. I know that I’ve had my fare share of troubles with tryingto figure out reality from my psychosis symptoms. So after surviving several years of the mixture of both, I have learned a few things here and there from experience and from others online; so I figured that I would share a little bit of what helps me with dealing with this potentional terrifying holiday.

1) Ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help when trying to distinguish between reality from your mind playing tricks on you.

2) Ask questions about what scares you. If you’re out tirck-or-treating and you’re not sure if something is a decorationor not, ask the person handing out candy where they got it. Depending on what they tell you you will be able to tell if or not. And if it happens to be a people in costumes that is making it difficult to differentiate what is real, then do the same, ask questions about their costumes. If you get an answer then you are dealing with an actual person, if nothing then you are just having a bit of trouble with an hallucination and just need to be on your way.

3) Take someone with you that you trust. If you are going out on Halloween have someone who you can turn to in a panic, someone that knows about your mental illness and can help you through anything so you can feel safe going out.

4) Take pictures. If you see a decoration, or what you hope is a decoration, but you’re a little worried you’re just seeing things take a picture. If it’s still there, you have a festive photo, but if not you know to just keep walking and not give it your attention. But please don’t take pictures of people if you think they might or might not be there, that could possibly get you in trouble. Suggestion two would work better in this instance.

5) Ask everyone not to jump scare you. Wheather that is asking them not to send you jump scare videos or surprising you while wearing masks and props. Close family and good friends will understand.

6) Avoid haunted houses or anything similar. The whole point of those are to scare you, so please don’t put yourself in a situation that could go downhill very fast. The workers are not taught how to deal with panic attacks, only physical injuries.

7) Celebrate during the day. Throw a party, or join one, that takes place while it is still light outside and where you know your surroundings. Hand out candy to the early trick-or-treaters or go early in the night yourself. Spend the day at a pumpkin patch and/or corn maze and maybe go for a hay ride. This may lighten the mental load you might have this Halloween.

8) Just handout candy from home. You can have all the lights on, you’ll know your surroundings, and you’ll be safe at home.

9) Assume it’s a decoration. If you are hallucinating just think of it as a decoration for Halloween or a costume and play along. Most people are just a little bit scared, so just think of it as you are just getting your own little personal scare. But this is not if your hallucinations are untolerable. If they are truly petrifying then please try another tip.

10) Don’t be afraid to just stay home. Turn some lights on, watch a movie, put a sign out on your door if you want saying ‘sorry no candy’, grab a snack and some candy and get comfortable. There is no shame is just being at home alone or with a significant other or close friend. You can have a great night in.

I hope that these suggestions are helpful in your Halloween/Samhain adventures. Please be safe and remember that these are things that can help, they are not cures. They are not for everyone. You know yourself better than anyone so you’ll be the judge of what would work for you. Let me know if these helped or you have any other suggestions on how to stay safe with psychosis. Have a great Halloween/Samhain!

– Kitty

Storming.

I can’t leave my house today.
I’m sorry.
I know you can’t see it, but it’s raining inside my head.
There is a storm brewing and I have to be prepared for it.
I can feel that it could happen any moment, so therefore I must stay inside and prepare myself.
I have spent weeks waiting actually.
I haven’t been outside in days.
Daylight has started to become foreign to me.
My bed seems to have extra gravity beneath it, pulling me, prompting me to not get up.
My whole body feels worn and heavy.
To step into the shower or even change into new clothes seems like such a task,.
I feel tired as soon as I start to move.
I know in the back of my mind that I should be living, that I should be doing something with my time.
But my body doesn’t agree, it can’t take hardly any movement right now.
I am in a hollow shell that used to be somebody.
Some days even breathing seems to be too much.
I can’t seem to control my emotions.
It feels as though I could break at any moment over the smallest of things.
But it wouldn’t really be about the small things would it?
I don’t think so, but I can’t seem to pinpoint the exact source of what I am feeling.
I have spent all day today sleeping or just staring at the walls.
I can’t seem to do much else.
I want to be productive, but as soon as I stand up I feel so drained that all I can think to do is go back to sleep.
I get tired all the time due to the amount of sleep I get.
It’s an odd feeling isn’t it?
Being tired after sleeping, but it feels miserable.
My thoughts are racing but still at the same time.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry because I don’t know what else to do.
I want to be cradled but left alone.
I don’t know what I need and it’s tearing me apart.
I feel like it’s raining inside my head and I can’t find a dry place to hide because you can’t hide from your own mind.

Medication is like rain boots.

It took me years of being ‘That one awkward girl’ before I even got the hint that I was different. Sure I knew that I wasn’t one of the popular girls but I just figured not everyone could be, and I was content with that. It wasn’t till late teens early twenties that I started really seeing that I was an odd ball. It’s when I got my first job and was being critiqued on my performances that I understood just how different I truly was.

I had been seeing and hearing things for a while before I had gotten the job, and I wasn’t very social due to having little to no understanding of how to even start up a conversation, let alone keep one going. So that being said, I was in my own little world and that’s what I knew, that’s what I liked. I had my own set of little things that I would do to calm the voices and to ground me when it came to hallucinations. My life was pretty forgiving in that I had a set method to my life. But then I got the job, and my whole tiny world was turned upside down. I was not only learning everything there was to the job, but it as a customer service job, which meant I was dealing with tons of people, learning, voices and hallucinations. Which for me, was so overwhelming that it made my symptoms worse. I didn’t have any coping skill for that situation, and thus desperately trying to find some.

I ended up staying there three very long, very difficult years. I don’t even think I could ever manage to do it again. I had a boss who was very unforgiving and very rude. She was the type of boss, and the type of person in general, to point out everything wrong with you, even if it wasn’t seemingly work related. She would comments on things that had nothing to do with work at all. She made me realize in a very short time that I was very different and made me feel ashamed of it. I cried nearly every day after work because I felt so much anxiety while working because I knew I was under a constant harassing eye.

It was working that brought me out of my comfort zone, and not in a good way. It forced me into society too quickly and I wasn’t ready for it. I had not gotten any diagnosis’s at that point, so I was on my own when it came down to figuring things out. It wasn’t till after I left that job that I started seeking help. I had started cutting and had taken, or tried, an overdose, so with the help with my then boyfriend (now fiancé:)) I started going to doctors regularly and seeing a biweekly counselor. It took very little time to find my diagnosis’s, though treating them is where it has taken it’s time. I have been going to therapy for about two years now and seeing my GP for about the same and I am still getting my treatments in order. I used to hate going to doctors, but after finally getting answers for why I functioned so different  from others, it took so much stress off of me and now I am living a happier life because of it.

My mental illness diagnosis’s are Schizophrenia, Asperger’s Spectrum and Tourette’s.

My physical illness diagnosis’s are Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis.

I encourage anyone who is struggling with any illness to seek treatment, it can be hard to start, but just making to first step is a step in the right direction. I found that my treatment and medications are a lot like rain boots. Yes it may be wet outside, but if you go outside prepared with what you know you need, you’ll stay dry; it may not seem like it at the time but at the end of the day you’re better for it. Everybody deserves to be prepared and feel safe. Even if getting to that point is hard, you deserve it.

–  Kitty

A start to a journey.

I notice that when people hear the word ‘Schizophrenia’, they panic. They think back to all those horror movies and the homeless people in the streets shouting at nothing. But that’s not the case. Yes, there are those who do shout at thin air, there are those who are violent, but they are not the norm for many schizophrenics.

Medication is a huge part of trying to fit into the normality of life for those who suffer from it. And when medication is missed or simply not taken is when things get out of hand. Those who do not receive help are the depiction of what everybody thinks of when schizophrenia is brought up. But others would be surprised at just how functional and ‘normal’ sufferers can be, because you can’t always tell when somebody has it. We tend to blend in just as well as everybody else, just maybe a bit more quirky. I know personally that when I tell people I have it, they are in complete shock because they thought I was ‘fine’ and ‘I don’t look schizophrenic’. It’s kind of funny because people think that if you look fine, you must be doing well. And that if your disability is invisible per say, they can’t wrap their head around it because ‘you look so normal!’ what does schizophrenia even look like? I have been trying to figure that out for years, I havnt settled on a look yet, but I think maybe one day I’ll find it.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings, there are sure to be more coming soon. Happy travels to where ever the day takes you.

-Kitty